ambivalent

is really the perfect word to describe how I'm feeling right now...

for the unaware, ambivalent can be defined as follows:

1. Uncertain or unable to decide about what course to follow
2. The coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings (such as love and hate) towards a person, object or idea; A state of uncertainty or indecisiveness

So to elaborate, cuz I know this feeling could be towards a lot of things, a few of you know about how my 21st birthday is next month. My dumbass wanted to do it really big, have a bomb time, because I haven't really ever had a big memorable birthday. So I'm like cool, here's my opportunity, I don't even go out like that, let me have this one weekend on lock.

so I'm not one to leave things to the last minute; well that's a lie, cuz I procrastinate like CRAZY when it comes to school, but with anything else, nah. So, I'm looking around getting my prices together, trying to put plans together, and it's just one thing after another. Now originally I wanted to do a large dinner with about 25-30 guests @ some nice spot in DC, I figured since most of my friends aren't even 21 yet, they could come out that night. That idea is out the door. Most higher end restaurants wont take a party larger than 10 without a set dinner menu, that can cost at least 45/person EASY. Many people don't have money like that especially considering the times. So my nice guest list, got chopped down to 10 of my favorite ladies. Then I wanted to cop a table at this spot on Saturday night, they blatantly said 1000 for a table on the second level (which is the part that's popping) as a starting price. Excuse me? I don't have a real job, I mean I just cant afford it. So that got nexted.

So, I figure cool, lets do the dinner Friday, then get in Sat & Sun at 2 spots for free & as VIP, cuz I know some people. THEN my extra ass is like, "hey lets get a suite so we can party AFTER the club". Now come to find out my mother was going to suggest this anyways, cuz she didn't want us drinking and driving. SO all this hotel drama is going on, what nights, where to stay, who's staying, who's putting in money, who needs to have a bed cuz they paid, who wants to go where. Its just frustrating. Not to mention I'm a female, gotta get 3 different outfits, hair, makeup, nails, like everything is going to start adding up.

This whole situation just has me feeling torn, part of me wants to just say "fuck it" and cancel everything, and just sit in my room with a bottle and call it a day on some depressed pissed off type tip. And then the other half is feeling the complete opposite, like don't give up, its your birthday, you got to do it big. And both of these feelings are equally strong, but completely opposite, I was like geez is that possible. And clearly it is, because there's a word for it... AMBIVALENT.

that's how I'm feeling, guess I just had to get it off my chest; I'll leave this one at "to be continued..."

kisses
- D